It's Weird

  It's weird when you realize something about yourself. It's weird because you know yourself the best. Tonight I realized a lot about where i have been the last 5 years of my life and why the choices I have made have brought me to place I am today and made me the person I am today Good and bad. 
  I have not been ok with who I am for a long time and think I am finally on a path of rectifying that. I loath when I haven't seen someone in a long time and I run into them and they  ask that dreaded question , " what have you been up to"? ahhhh I hate it because I hate the answer I have to give them. Well I have been up to a whole lot of  NOTHING! I have thought about lying and making up a grand story where I have done something meaningful and very important the last 5 years. bbackpacking around Europe, working some great job where I am Making tons of money, something like that. the truth is the last 5 years I have dropped out of school twice have worked at a crappy store in the mall, been a nanny, worked at day care, and currently work at a bakery. No degree, no car, no significant other, family life a little shaky,and no direction. Which is are the key important things people are looking for when they ask that question. I guess on the flip side I probably have done more in 5 years then people do in a lifetime. I went back to Nicaragua, went to Vietnam, and helped out with a youth group. Which have all been fulfilling  and served a purpose in some way but not what I am looking for i guess.
    People can always make judgements and assumptions from the outside but I feel like I have had some sort of inner awakening that no one can see, that explains why I have been fighting myself and God for better part of half a decade. I am scared shit less and don't trust any one especially do not trust God. I have been trying to renounce my faith this whole year only 2 people know about this, my best friend and my agnostic gay friend. I have been so sick of cliche and the answers people were giving me and they weren't cutting it anymore. I felt like i have heared it all. I was and still am so sick of church and the people in it including some of my family members. I feel like I just have created this huge defense mechanism of not wanting to be hurt by others and by God. I cant be vulnerable any more with anyone especially God and that started when I tried to raise money to go on a year long mission trip twice and failed, that was probably the biggest hurt in my life and I have pretended for so long that it didn't and does not effect me but it did  and in a big way. So since then i figured I have to do it all on my own, everything in life. My family isn't going to help me my brothers and sisters in Christ wont help me and certainly God isn't going to help me at all after I put my whole life out there to be vulnerable and felt like i was crapped all over not once but twice.
  We have been singing this one song this week and it has that verse from Romans 8 If God is for us who can be against us. well i feel like God is against me and i do not know how to rectify that. i cant let Go i cant do what i was meant to do i cant put myself out there, i don't trust. I feel like God is going to do whatever he wants and if i want something bad enough in my life i have to do it all on my own, but i feel vexed b.c i feel like i have so many things working against me, and all the while i know i am wasting my life and going through the motions. I love that Matthew west song about going through the motions. the one part of the song goes" I dont want to spend my whole life asking what if i have given everything" and i am so afraid that is going to be and is me.....So instead i settle for mediocrate in everything in my life instead of screaming or demanding more. I cant renounce my faith and my God because he still has this intense grip on my life and I love Him for that. Even now when I feel like i am being a spoiled child and demanding to do what I want to do. ???????????

I do not think that much of what i have to say is of great consequence. I have written on some form of a blog since i was 20, and have to admit i thought i could be clever and witty and people would really care about and marvel at all the thoughtful and intelligent things i was saying. Well my writing or should i say ranting is all over the place , my spelling is awful, and I am pretty sure no one in the world gives a shit what Rachel Claypool has to say. Finally i am OK with that. i just enjoy writing down my misspelled jumbled up thoughts because i can and it gives me a sense of pleasure. But today i realized that sometimes my words are so hurtful and i can and am a pretty mean person. I think i always have this desire and want to have to make people around me understand what it feels like to be hurt what it feels like to be me, i just want to explain why maybe so many people think i am emotional, i just want to explain why i said the things i said....I am trying to figure out why i am like that. I dont really want revenge but sometimes when a person has hurt me or upset me in a deap way i really just want them to feel exactly how i do so they get it so they get me. i say too much and don't listen enough,i want to take a vowel of silence for a little bit i wonder what that would be like. The reality is we cant say whatever we want any more not when its being postedonline foranyone tosee.

A bit of a rant!!

Its really nice when the people in your life that you once counted as mentors, friends, and brother deletes you once again from their blog....whats the point in mathew 18 or having a mature confrontation when you know the other person will lie or come up with some bull shit exuse. This is just one more thing that makes me retreat inside myself and makes it easier to never get vulnerable or close with people ever again!! THank YOu Thank you sooo much!!!