For the Least of These

It's Weird

2010-07-29T00:55:00.000-04:00

It's weird when you realize something about yourself. It's weird because you know yourself the best. Tonight I realized a lot about where i have been the last 5 years of my life and why the choices I have made have brought me to place I am today and made me the person I am today Good and bad.
I have not been ok with who I am for a long time and think I am finally on a path of rectifying that. I loath when I haven't seen someone in a long time and I run into them and they ask that dreaded question , " what have you been up to"? ahhhh I hate it because I hate the answer I have to give them. Well I have been up to a whole lot of NOTHING! I have thought about lying and making up a grand story where I have done something meaningful and very important the last 5 years. bbackpacking around Europe, working some great job where I am Making tons of money, something like that. the truth is the last 5 years I have dropped out of school twice have worked at a crappy store in the mall, been a nanny, worked at day care, and currently work at a bakery. No degree, no car, no significant other, family life a little shaky,and no direction. Which is are the key important things people are looking for when they ask that question. I guess on the flip side I probably have done more in 5 years then people do in a lifetime. I went back to Nicaragua, went to Vietnam, and helped out with a youth group. Which have all been fulfilling and served a purpose in some way but not what I am looking for i guess.
People can always make judgements and assumptions from the outside but I feel like I have had some sort of inner awakening that no one can see, that explains why I have been fighting myself and God for better part of half a decade. I am scared shit less and don't trust any one especially do not trust God. I have been trying to renounce my faith this whole year only 2 people know about this, my best friend and my agnostic gay friend. I have been so sick of cliche and the answers people were giving me and they weren't cutting it anymore. I felt like i have heared it all. I was and still am so sick of church and the people in it including some of my family members. I feel like I just have created this huge defense mechanism of not wanting to be hurt by others and by God. I cant be vulnerable any more with anyone especially God and that started when I tried to raise money to go on a year long mission trip twice and failed, that was probably the biggest hurt in my life and I have pretended for so long that it didn't and does not effect me but it did and in a big way. So since then i figured I have to do it all on my own, everything in life. My family isn't going to help me my brothers and sisters in Christ wont help me and certainly God isn't going to help me at all after I put my whole life out there to be vulnerable and felt like i was crapped all over not once but twice.
We have been singing this one song this week and it has that verse from Romans 8 If God is for us who can be against us. well i feel like God is against me and i do not know how to rectify that. i cant let Go i cant do what i was meant to do i cant put myself out there, i don't trust. I feel like God is going to do whatever he wants and if i want something bad enough in my life i have to do it all on my own, but i feel vexed b.c i feel like i have so many things working against me, and all the while i know i am wasting my life and going through the motions. I love that Matthew west song about going through the motions. the one part of the song goes" I dont want to spend my whole life asking what if i have given everything" and i am so afraid that is going to be and is me.....So instead i settle for mediocrate in everything in my life instead of screaming or demanding more. I cant renounce my faith and my God because he still has this intense grip on my life and I love Him for that. Even now when I feel like i am being a spoiled child and demanding to do what I want to do. ???????????

2010-05-07T22:15:00.002-04:00

I do not think that much of what i have to say is of great consequence. I have written on some form of a blog since i was 20, and have to admit i thought i could be clever and witty and people would really care about and marvel at all the thoughtful and intelligent things i was saying. Well my writing or should i say ranting is all over the place , my spelling is awful, and I am pretty sure no one in the world gives a shit what Rachel Claypool has to say. Finally i am OK with that. i just enjoy writing down my misspelled jumbled up thoughts because i can and it gives me a sense of pleasure. But today i realized that sometimes my words are so hurtful and i can and am a pretty mean person. I think i always have this desire and want to have to make people around me understand what it feels like to be hurt what it feels like to be me, i just want to explain why maybe so many people think i am emotional, i just want to explain why i said the things i said....I am trying to figure out why i am like that. I dont really want revenge but sometimes when a person has hurt me or upset me in a deap way i really just want them to feel exactly how i do so they get it so they get me. i say too much and don't listen enough,i want to take a vowel of silence for a little bit i wonder what that would be like. The reality is we cant say whatever we want any more not when its being postedonline foranyone tosee.

A bit of a rant!!

2010-01-13T14:53:00.002-05:00

Its really nice when the people in your life that you once counted as mentors, friends, and brother deletes you once again from their blog....whats the point in mathew 18 or having a mature confrontation when you know the other person will lie or come up with some bull shit exuse. This is just one more thing that makes me retreat inside myself and makes it easier to never get vulnerable or close with people ever again!! THank YOu Thank you sooo much!!!

2009-10-18T22:56:00.003-04:00

I Want to Fall Back In Love With Pittsburgh

2009-08-30T21:31:00.003-04:00

Last night I was watching one of those awesome Rick Sebak specials on PBS, this one was about the Strip District in Pittsbugh and it made me think a lot. I am a go with the flow kind of girl, i like not knowing somethings, i like being sporadic, and like being random , so i guess in saying that sometimes its really hard for me to imagine myself always living in the same place forever. I think however that i am probably going to be in Pittsburgh for a while, as i try to start school again, and make some money of some sort. This kind of makes my skin crawl. I can analyze why this makes me feel this way for hours, but to conclude this thought, " I might as well make the best of it while i am here" am i right? I remember back in the high school days when i was old enough to go into the city without my parents with friends and just falling in love. Being so captivated by its vastness, its diversity, its sights and sounds. Since high school i have been to some different places in this world and now i do not know if i have become bitter or maybe some what fool of myself because of that. All i know now is, i want to experience Pittsburgh for the first time again... i want to soak it up drink it down breath it in , in new ways that i have never experienced before. I want to see it for more than just its sports, steel, and loud mouth townies. I need some suggestions, tell me what your favorite parts of Pittsburgh are and what you like doing the most. i Will be blogging about this experience through out the year, i think i may call it, A year with Falling in love with Pitts.

Accept

2009-06-21T20:54:00.002-04:00

It is a hard fact in life that it is difficult sometimes to just accept certain realities in your life. Harsh , true, cold. factual realities that we do not want to face. I hate when one of these realities is slapped across your face without warning or hesitation. Its like you are so warm and cozy in your bed and someone rips off your covers and there is no way of getting them back. Some of my realities I have been trying to face as of recent,

- High school is over and has been for 5 years now, and no matter how much you want to go back you cant, and no matter how bad you want to change things you can't.
- My family dynamic is painfully different and will never be the same again. Certain family members I want to have great relationships with will never happen.
-Not every one is going to like who you are and what you are about.
- Friendships change, you have to go with the flow with this one, people you once couldn't stand to be without are now a distant memory and nothing more.
-I have wasted so much of my time and money and energy on not being who i was really meant to be.
-I do not fit societies standard of beauty and that bothers me more than any one will know.
-I am in so much pain, so much pain from life, family, friendships, ministries, everything!

I want so badly to just accept these things , just accept them and be OK, I just want to be me again, I feel like i have lost a huge part of me along the way, something i think happens to every one at some point. Most importantly I just want to accept God's love and have that be enough. why is that never enough?

Rockin the Suburbs... and some thoughts on it!

2009-05-29T02:14:00.001-04:00

I have been thinking about this quite a bit lately. I think when you are somewhere in your 20’s most, hate, loath, despise suburban life. It represents everything we are trying to get away from. Living with parents, trying to be independent people and so there is this huge chasm that is develops from that. Most “radical” Christians hate suburban life because it’s mostly families with money spending it on the frivolous things in life. I myself have been a young person who has struggles with understanding suburbia and hating it and wanting out. Just as there are many different people in this world there are also many different ways to live. Why do we judge suburban life so harshly? I try and think of the great things about it, it is about families raising their children, wanting them to live in safe environment, ( who wouldn’t want that for their kids). Sure there are a lot of things that still bug me about this way of living, but who I am I to despise it to scrutinize it and everything little thing people that choose to live this way do. People my age I feel sometimes are just getting to be more extreme about different things, and especially in the Christian community. I have felt that if you are not living in a city, helping the homeless, part of a somewhat emergent church, you are severely frowned upon and aren’t living radical enough for Christ. Some of these people think they are living “radically” but what if, just what if living radically would be moving into the suburbs sharing your love with families and communities in suburbia. It is really easy to go against “main stream” living, but I think it’s really cool to be creative about the way we show Christ love, the way we minister, not just to the homeless, widows and orphans but also the tax collectors, soccer moms, lawyers, and executives. Is this making sense? Have we forgotten about them?

Thoughts on Patriotism

2009-05-27T01:12:00.002-04:00

This past memorial day I did something I have not done in probably 5 plus years. I went to my Uncle's grave. I was some what pretty close with him, he lived next door to my grandma and i spent a lot of my childhood at her house and thus with him. Even at a young age I just knew he was different kind of man but I had an immense love for this man. He had post traumatic stress syndrome from the Vietnam war. This made it difficult for him to have a " normal life". After the war he joined hippie communes and never could hold down a job and always had a difficult time interacting with people but I didn't know as a kid nor did i care i loved him a lot. I had a quiet sort of monologue with him when I was at his grave site, and shed a tear or two and grieved his loss in my life, something I have not done in quite a while. When someone close passes away you think of all the stuff you should have said. I wish I would have thanked my uncle for serving our country, but I thanked him on this Memorial day. While I know when you are gone you are gone and the place where they bury you is just a place where you body lies, I still wanted to have this dialogue as I think a lot of people do who have lost loved ones. I said that I had been back to the place where he probably spent most of his life trying to forget and while I was there I thought of him every day and how proud I was that he was my Uncle. Leaving the vast vast cemetery i drove up and down and around the narrow path where there were hundreds and hundreds of flags that the cemetery puts on all the vets tombs. I was floored at just how many there were. I began to think about patriotism and what its like today. What it means to love your country , what it means to give of yourself to fight for liberty.
There is this weird , I don't know if you want to call it a movement or a feeling of young people today that if you are patriotic you are ill mannered, a hick, self righteous. Why do so many young people hate their country , why do so many people think that's all patriotism is? I have met young people in Nicaragua who love their country so much and want to see it become a better place. Why all the sudden is there this shift in our country? Maybe people will say its because there is nothing to be proud of, that we are corrupt, selfish, greedy nation. This country is changing and fast, I think we need to reevaluate a lot of things within ourselves. What true liberty is, its not some hickish cliche term thrown around, what true liberty is, its what Christ died for ( not the USA) but true liberty. Don't hate this country, hate the bull shit and the bull shitters who have made it what it is today. So thank you thank you thank you to all who give their lives their time their all for liberty.

Indoctrination

2009-05-10T23:12:00.003-04:00

I just wonder sometimes when people have a vocation where they are in some sort of teaching role if you can truly steer clear from indoctrinating the people you are disciplining.
Think about it, the role of "Teacher Student" exist in all types of facets. Now lets really think what that means. A student subjects themselves to be vulnerable, their minds wide open to possibility to knowledge and learning. But what if that learning and knowledge is compromised by the Teacher? How does the student then identify something that has been taught to them has been false teaching? How as a teacher do you steer clear of doing this? Every one has been both teacher and student, maybe you have been the teacher who teaches falsified information or maybe you have been the naive student who believed a falsified teaching. Or maybe you just do not know.
I wonder do teachers tend to teach with the intention of producing or projecting themselves onto the student by indoctrination? More specifically in ministry in Church have I ever been subjected to this, have i ever been the instigator? Is my faith the product of what other men and woman have indoctrinated me with or is it "my own" ( whatever that means). How in a faith where there are many different interpretations, opinions exist to be not compromised? In my 7 years in youth ministry have I tried to indoctrinate kids with my own humanness. I pray I have not and I also pray that all people in the church in teaching roles can identify what it means to truly teach and stupidly indoctrinate.

A MIsh Mosh of thoughts

2009-03-23T01:03:00.000-04:00

I was on my way home tonight and I heared this song for the 3rd time in my life called " I love College Here is the Chorus I believe.

"That party last night was awfully crazy I wish we taped it I danced my ass off and had this one girl completely naked Drink my beer and smoke my weed but my good friends is all I need Pass out at 3, wake up at 10, go out to eat then do it again Man, I love college"

Now I am sure that there are a plethora of people that like this song and probably would say it was their Jam but this song frustrates me more than any song has ever frustrated me before.

I think as I get older I really have started to value what it means to be a woman and to truly respect that. I am not a feminist by any means although I am starting to wonder if that may not be a bad idea after all, But i HATE LOATH with everything in me the way this song devalues woman. I can understand in certain genera's of music that its about sexuality but not this song and I do not know why people are not more upset about this.

The other fact is that this is such a huge huge cliche about college. I hate it i think its ridiculous it devalues humanity in and learning experiences in the worst way. I know many will disagree and say its just part of the college experience to make stupid choices and be free and be an adult and do adult things..... Then get a mortgage that's pretty adult.

I just really hate how sexuality is so mest up in this culture. This song is completely acceptable and the attitude and action of sleeping around is acceptable too. I can just imagine i typical college party scene where people all have their stupid little red cups , girls making out with girls to get a guy's attention because in some what they feel that they are valued by male attention and every one singing and dancing to this song.... As i have wrote before i had my stupid rebellion stage that only lasted the summer when i was 19 but even in that time when i would go to parties i was just completely annoyed by all of this stupidity. My college experience wasn't all peaches and cream but i am so thankful that it wasn't this screwed up like so many of American Adults today.... Maybe if we reevaluated what the purpose of college is. Maybe if we didn't take it for granted that we are able to continue our education, and its not just some sick sex, drug fest. I JUST HATE THIS SONG!!!

Yeah what a great great role model.

Hell House and First Sunday

2009-02-08T16:43:00.000-05:00

Today i watched 2 movies that were very much polar opposites but at the same time couldn't help notice a certain theme to both of them. Lets start off with a brief synopsis of the first one Hell House.

First thing i said to myself watching this one... YOU HAVE DONE IT AGAIN EVANGELICAL CHRISTIANS!!!!!! I could not help but notice that while watching this movie I had the same feelings that i did watching Jesus Camp. They have the right idea but they are so far away. This documentary is about a mega church in Texas that puts on this Haunted house every Halloween for the community. Oh but i forgot to mention this is no ordinary haunted house. Each room there is a different real life scenario that is at play. One room was a Gay man dieing in the hospital from aid, another was a high school boy who commits suicide because no one likes him, another was a rave scene where a girl gets drug and raped and then she kills herself, the sickest one of all was a girl who had got an abortion and she dies from it and they show blood on her crotch and everything. The last room is what they depict hell to be with demons and the occult and other random things. And if that isn't enough for you or dramatizing enough for you after you get out of this "haunted house" you get to decide if you want to accept Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior!!!! WOW~!! Basically you are scared into being a christian. BASICALLY! but i think the thing that made me the most upset was thinking about how much money went into making this crazy haunted house, not only that but the man hours being put in. When are going to be good stewards of our money and time as a church.

On much much much lighter note I watched a movie called First Sunday. This movie was about two guys that are in desperate need of money. One tried to get money to his ex wife so she can keep her business so that she doesn't have to move away with their son. The other is Tracey Morgans character who just owes some Jamaicans money for some wheel chairs he damaged don't ask its a Tracy Morgan character. So they come up with this idea to steal money from this church. Along the way the people they hold up in the church really show them love and the possibility of Hope. IN the end the church gives the money to the man so his family can stay where they are. ( sorry if you wanted to see the movie i just gave away the ending)

Now bringing it all in. Now I think a lot of the times in American Churches we loose a lot of our reverence and fear for the Lord. Hell is a very real thing sometimes we do not talk about it enough or sometimes that is all Christians talk about the old Fire and Brim stone sort of thing. I understand quite plainly that sins need to be talked about sin needs to be addressed but using sin as a scare tactic so people will come to Christ I do not understand and quite frankly makes me want to throw up!. I know there is this weird thing or movement going on where the church is all about Everybody loving everybody and God is love and love love love. Which is great it is really great but if some how we can take these extreme and take each good part and smoosh them together, that would be great. In the movie First Sunday i feel like a non believer would be more incline to give their life to Christ seeing that God's people the Church can forgive just as He has the church and the people can love on you just as He has. Interesting how the main stream entertainment can communicate God's message more articulately than any mega church could. I love love love that about our God! Claypool out!!!

Leave It To Beaver!!

2009-02-08T11:47:00.000-05:00

I recently started to watch this classic TV show. There is something about its innocence that i absolutely love. Its going back to the basics of TV. While i know this show is completely unrealistic, mom dressed in her best every day , families fixing huge dilemmas in a matter of 15 min, but there is still something so great about it. I guess this is all just my opinion but i just love this show.People probably find this show boring and entertaining and i have to admit i probably thought that too before i watched it. I would love to see a show like this survive today. No cursing, nothing about sex, just simple silly humor for all ages. It makes me wonder what will TV shows be like in 50 years. I am thoroughly always entertained by this show and its silly antics. Why do we have to be entertained by sexual content, violence, bad jokes that just dehumanizing, and bad reality shows( which i am guilty of watching) Its time to get back to the basics! Plus that brother Wally gets pretty good looking as the years go on. Claypool Out!!

Too much, Too deap, Too soon ehh Maybe

2009-01-14T01:31:00.000-05:00

So i do not claim to be any kind of theologian. I do claim that i want to seek knowledge and find answers about God but not only doing so but also becoming closer to him through the process. Predestination has been debated and debated and yes debated forever. The more I find myself thinking about it and trying to understand it the more I find myself coming to dangerous terms with it. This is what i mean... This what i have come to understand about predestination. That it is the decree of God by which certain souls are foreordained to salvation. That is from the dictionary. Now i really do not want to go into great depth about it but you cant deny that a lot of predestining is going on in the bible. Christ's death is one of the most obvious ones. Where i get caught up is that i feel like the argument against it says that we have a choice( free will) to choose God, and that he hasn't predestined any of us to reveal himself to us. The number one problem for me is i feel like that is one of the most arrogant things to say about an omniscient omnipotent being. Any way you can agree to disagree with me there. And finally this is where my mind goes crazy. Since i believe that God has chosen the people he reveals himself to than what is the point of ministry, what is the point of evangelism, what is the point of trying to bring people to God to begin with, what do we have to do with any of it. Maybe some people will shoot back with and answer like " He uses us as the means or instruments " very cliche christian answer. Maybe I shouldn't be saying any of this since I am in a leadership roll in a ministry but sometimes I feel like when there is a person in my life or someone in the ministry that I am in , when they don't get it, i find myself saying " They aren't meant to get it, they are not"predestined" if you will. Which is such a dangerous way of thinking. Who am I to make that kind of call. Who am I to say who God is going to reveal himself to. Maybe we all give up a little too easily on difficult Kid, Adults, humans. I don't want to give up on people. The minute I start doing that I have giving up on God as well. I hope this has made sense. Please do not through me into the fire of judgment if you do not agree or think i am horrible person for saying the things i did. Maybe that have a conversation about it! Thanks!

CHURCH

2009-01-03T01:23:00.000-05:00

IUMC ( OLD CHURCH)

It was really really hard 5 years ago when my family decided to leave the church that our family had gone to over 100 years or something like that. Now many people have described a church as a family, but what happens when you leave that family? What happens when you decide its not the best place for your family. What happens when you divorce from this family and leave? Its common knowledge that , what is it now 50% of marriages end in divorce, but it seems like many people are increasingly divorcing from the church. Now, i don't come from divorce family but i do come from a divorced church and believe me when I say it hurts and sucks. There are always legit reasons for leaving a church just like there are always reason for leaving a marriage, but when it becomes to your family, how long do you stay? How long do you stay in a relationship and wait it out until it gets better? We waited i believe 8 years and decided to leave. Just like when you divorce from a spouse, i bet you have a lot of trust issues and are very hesitant to let some one become part of your family it again. I felt this way for a while and it wasn't until this summer when I got to stay with a lot of families' houses from the church i have been attending for the last three years that i began to let my guard down and start loving people like my family again. I think a great wise pastor named Donny Ball Game told me that when people leave a church or a new pastor comes in like 90% never go back to church. That is crazy! It because people get jaded and hurt. Now maybe i am missing the boat completely, i know church does not exist for the soul purpose of making community, Some people's only reason to go to church is so socialize and whatever and maybe it doesn't matter what church you go that maybe the point is that the whole Body is our family. But i am just saying that i feel very very blessed and lucky to have found a family again. Thank you!!
MLUPC ( NEW CHURCH)

Letting Go is Hard to Do.

2008-12-07T00:48:00.000-05:00

This summer an old friend got married. This friend and I share the same birthday, we were in the same youth group, we shared a lot of who we were and our lives with one another for probably 5 years. I wasn't invited to her wedding. I have tried and tried to analyze this situation in my head over and over again. I guess reality is, well reality is a lot of things we just are not friends any more to be blunt and simplistic. I could express a lot of things and talk about why she is the way she is or why i am the way i am but i don't think that gets me any where, but here is my current reality, I want to be able to let it go. I want to be able to let go the anger the hurt and the disappointment. I was talking to a good friend the other night about how its so hard for us to let things go. We hold on to bitterness like it was our last breath and our only way of survival. I find myself just really not getting it, why do we let human beings have that much possession over our emotions. It's very curious to me why for some people can be the complete opposite and never care about anything that has happened in the past and leave everything behind ( which is what i feel like my old friend does in her life). I just do not know how to let this not effect me and not let this effect future of existing friendships. I just want to be able to let go in the worst way, and let it be and just accept it for what it is, and end of a friendship.

Lost

2008-10-28T20:16:00.000-04:00

For the last 2 months i have been watching all the seasons of the show Lost, I just finished the 3rd. I feel there are few shows that come on the air and really truly astounding. I was defiantly a skeptic when this show first aired, hence me not watching it but then I started to borrow the 1st 2 from a friend. The way this show just captivates so clearly the human condition. I love that there are so many allegories and parallels in the show to real life. Maybe it is such a hit because it is that fantasy of , what if you were stuck on on a deserted Island, what would you do, and who would you become? This is defiantly a new Favorite show of mine and i cant wait for the new season to start. Plus i might me in love with Sawyer.

My Country Tis of Thee

2008-10-25T21:32:00.000-04:00

Right now in my young adult life I feel very conflicted about a lot of things, but one I feel the most conflicted about it that of politics. I don’t really associate myself with one particular party, although I tend to agree the most with the lesser-known Libertarian party. Some day in my lifetime I think it would be amazing to see some other political party in the mainstream government besides republicans and democrats. When it comes to those two parties I do tend to agree with one more than the other. Maybe since I am a white Christian most can presume which side, which is not the point. But here are some of my questions and comments about Government, as a woman, who is white, grew up in a lower middle class family, who lived in rich suburbia, went to a legalistic Christian college and that happens to be a follower of Christ.

~ I think the way I view Government goes all the way back to Moses and Aaron where the real separation of church and state started. Aaron was to take care of the laws of the land and Moses took care of the people’s spiritual needs. Now we all know that when any of these institutes cross with one another they both become corrupt. Its not that that law is Godless or that Church and religion are morally bankrupt and people that attend them should not care about politics or government its when they use each other for some kind of gain. But I guess one of my questions is, how do you decipher law without thinking about God, how can government be completely separate from the creator of everything? How do these 2 things really coexist but work together. Should my faith influence the way I view politics and government when God is in everything, when all truth is God’s truth, when we decide that God is our life not just a part of it. How is it so easy for people to compartmentalize these two things when they say they are believers themselves?

~ The 2nd issue I have been debating a lot lately is that of Government aiding, socialism or whatever you want to call it, things like social security, welfare, unemployment, disability, whatever you want to call those things. So here is the reality, those things really do help a lot of great people that just need help, and there are a lot of people who abuse it unfortunately , and the system is very flawed and who pays for all those things , I do , YOU do. This does make me very upset sometimes. From a Christian perspective, doesn’t God care about our character? Doesn’t he want us to be honest hard working people? When people received things from the Lord in new and old testaments, their character was tested (in the old testament) they were patient and always seeing the will of Lord. Sometimes we are blessed and we don’t understand why, I have been blessed this way where I didn’t know what I did to deserve it. There are loads of people that fall on hard times and need those things to help pick them up. Who should be taking care of the poor and the widowed and the orphaned, well that’s the Church but unfortunately that doesn’t happen too much any more so now that fall on the government and tax payer’s head. I guess sometimes for me it is an issue of having possession of the money I work hard to make, and if we are yoked with Christ then we know nothing on this earth is ours and has been given to us so maybe it shouldn’t be a big issue for me. So should wealth be equally distributed among the masses? Would this be a good thing? Maybe in Christ we are all one and we are all equal, but didn’t Christ say something about how there will be poor always, struggling, maybe he meant because this was a result of our sin but maybe not. Maybe God has our best character in mind.

So that is that, the two main things I have been thinking about lately. Just to conclude by saying, that I have a passion and a holy discontent for poverty, for the broken and I am no way trying to relegate those people or the people that really look after them and have passion for that. I just like mostly people do not understand why things are the way they are and feel helpless to do anything about it. The funny thing is that a lot of people are so stuck in deciding that their way of thinking about politics and government is absolutely right and you cant even talk to some people about it. Why do people get so fired up and passionate about this kind of stuff, cant we have open dialogue like thins to think out loud and except that we may never have it all right. That is what I am about.

Who was Che?

2008-10-09T20:13:00.000-04:00

The first time I ever even hear ed of "El Che" was in 10th grade, a boy did a report on him in our world history class. I was intrigued but never really thought anything of him until i saw the movie Motorcycle Diaries. I was moved so much from that movie, mostly because i feel like i could identify with similar experiences that Ernesto Guevara ( Che) had. When he was in his 20's he was went on a trip with his friend all over Latin America they were trying to make their way to a leper colony. On his journey he experienced many social injustices and saw how many different kinds of people live. Every time i leave this country and I experience a piece of myself dieing, and then being replaced with something better, eyes that are open wider than my country allows them to be at times. I dont really know a whole lot about this man, some say he is a murder, some say he was a great man of medicine and social and political injustices for Cuba and other parts of this world. But what i like about this man was that he was willing to let himself change , be changed by injusthe saw in this world. America hated him for his socialist, Communist , Marxist ways, but a country saw him as something different, a voice for the mute. I don't know what i believe about Socialism, i know that it doesn't work sometimes but i do have issues with the mass amount of social injustice in this world and even this country we claim is so great. I think we need a Che , and that is not Obama , Biden, McCain, Palin. That is why i choose my right not to vote this election. I will not be a part of a government that isn't any better than Cuba was 50 years ago or any other political system in this world.

NIEL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-08-22T15:03:00.000-04:00

So This past Monday the 18Th of August i had the Immense pleasure, and extreme honor of going to the Neil Diamond concert with my mom. Not to get all sappy, but this will one of the resounding moments for the rest of my life, and it wasn't even because it was freakin Niel diamond because i got to go with my mom. I always remember kind of teasing my mom growing up for liking Neil, She had Neil on Vinyl, Neil Christmas Albums, Neil everything. Then probably i want to say when i was in High school her and i were having a movie night at home ( we do this sometimes don't judge , i actually really enjoy it) and she wanted to watch a movie called the Jazz Singer and guess who it was staring Neil! well I believe i just gave in and we watched it and i fell in love with him! There really is no one to compare Neil to in the music industry, his low sultry voice hit me like a million of Cupid's Arrows. Then a little movie came out a couple year later called Saving Silverman , where a group of guys have a Neil Diamond cover band and then Neil made a cameo later in the movie. I loved it and fell in love even more. I guess what i am trying to say is I LOVE NEIL! and i am not ashamed of it. The concert was awesome he can still rock out even in his 60's and he is one of the best entertainers of this century. I almost thought he wasn't going to play my favorite song which is "Coming to America" which i sang in the airport coming back from Vietnam. but he came back for an on cor and rocked that song so hard!!!!! One of the best nights of my life! Now i want to pursue being maybe one of his back up singers! haha i hope i have a chance!

"Holy Shnikey... son of a ..."

2008-07-06T15:34:00.000-04:00

So i too jumped on the band wagon and read "The Chris Farley Show" . I really could not put it down. I was kind of weird kid growing up because my brother and sister were a lot older than me i tended to be into whatever they were, indecently making me try and be older than i was. So I watched SNL when i was in elementary school against my mother's wishes. But i would watch all the greats of the generation like Spade, Shcnieder, Myers, Sandler, and even good old Farley. I like so many others was drawn to the Matt Foley Character and would often try to impersonate it among friends. I think he was loved so much because every one could identify with a little part of him, even if you only saw the famous side of him and after reading this book i feel like i could identify even more with who he was. I think the thing i most identified with was the way he viewed himself having no self worth and never feeling worthy of love. Even finding out his spiritual side i think that we all could relate to. Not feeling like he was worthy of the grace of God.i just really like this book and was sobbing by the end of it.

The More I Know the Less I Understand!

2008-07-04T12:08:00.000-04:00

This year i have really fallen in love with reading again. I go through these spurts where i hate to read and then a couple months latter i cant put down a book fast enough to read the next one. But lately i have been looking on my book shelf in my room and just have been thinking what good are any of these books that have "effected" me if i don't put them to use in my life. Then on my top shelf i have several different kinds of bibles. I started to think about the bible that way too. What good is this book if i don't put it to use in my life? It is just words then, that's all it is , is words. It seizes to become a living breathing book until we live it out in our lives.

Then i started to think about my relationship with the Lord God and how i don't have quiet time like i used to or have a devotion or meditate on the word. These things are really great and can help us worship our Lord but they become so empty in meaningless if we don't then live it out in life. I cant say God could care less if we read his word b/c i don't know if that is true but i think it is more powerful, more worshipful more reverent, more amazing to have our lives SCREAM the Gospel. The way we love one another, the way we love the Church. So i could read a million books this summer and renew my mind over and over and over again but if my life and action isn't reflecting the renewed me then i am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.

2008-06-03T19:32:00.000-04:00

La Misma Luna

2008-05-19T14:04:00.000-04:00

I have been back since Thursday night. I am not even sure what to say. It was Amazing to be back in a place that changed my life and my existence so much. It's always so hard to come home to where people just don't understand. i know that my life is here and i am not Nicaraguan i am a United States Citizen. I know that i have to live here now, but part of me feels like i wish things were different and that wasn't my reality. Part of me feels like i want to live there forever. I didn't go to Nicaragua to save it, its already saved, i went there to live and love and learn how to love life again, and i feel like that is exactly what happened. Nicaragua is not perfect i know that, the government is crazy just like it is here sometimes, but there is just something that pulls on my heart and makes me feel like its my 2nd home. I don't understand why it has this effect on me, i have been to other countries met amazing people from different places but none has the effect on me the way Nicaragua does. I feel like there are many thing stiring in my mind and heart like where my life is going to take me, where God is going to take me rather. I just feel like i want to take away chasms from different cultures and let us look at each other as humans as brothers as a family and take away stereotypes of Americans or Latin Americans that have been built up in our minds.

The title La Misma Luna was i movie i watched when i was there it means The Same Moon. i just really like that and i feel like it really means something! This is all i really want to share for now maybe more later.

2008-05-05T09:33:00.000-04:00

my 2 favorite people in the whole world!! Itamar and Isaac!!!!

Well i guess tomorrow i set off for Managua Nicaragua. I cant even begin to explain how a country , how a people steal your heart. I cant explain it to you unless it has happened to you. For 5 years i have wanted to go back, the minute i got on the plan to come home i wanted to go back. I really believed that i would some day. I don't know what i am going to be doing , or what new things i do or try, but i think i like it better that way.... i don't like plans , Plans were meant to be broken i believe. For some reason i am starting to get a little nervous about things, mostly missing connecting flights and then going through customs, which i have done before in other countries and this one in fact too. But it will be an exciting adventure, one that i hopes renews my mind and makes me fall even more in love with God.

Warning ! This may or may not contain TMI

2008-03-25T10:55:00.000-04:00

SHOOTIN SNORTIN SMOKIN DRINKIN , Do A LITTLE DANCE , A PARTY WITH YOU!!!!

i love that scene in Black Sheep!!

I have been thinking a lot about High school and teenagers lately. A few things have sparked this, some conversations i have been having with high schoolers from Youth Group*wink, reading Ben Kendrews blog about the book Called "Hurt" (which i really want to borrow Ben) and watching this series on the Woman's Entertainment Channel ( yeah i know but sometimes there isn't anything on) called High school Confidential. Its not really that amazing but its pretty interesting to watch as they follow i think 15 or something girls go through 9th - 12th grade go through different hardships in their life, like pregnancy, drug use, anorexia, cutting, family issues. Since i was a teenager only a mere 4 years ago i was trying to remember my emotions as a high schooler, the friendships i had, what kind of friend i was and how i was able to stay away from most of the typical temptations High schoolers go through.

I felt like in high school i was different but also a lot like everyone else, and i was truly an apathetic kid i didn't care about any one and i especially didn't care about school. So i was never one of those kids that are freaking out about grades or about who was mad at them because i didn't honestly care, haha but the thing was i did but i didn't want any one to know. Sure i had friends that drank and smoked weed but i never really cared about that stuff either. I was the such a typical youth group kid. All my best friends in high school were in my youth group, the boy i dated went to my youth group, went on retreats, mission trips, all that Jazz. And that was really fine with me at the time. But them something happens , i don't know if this is the Devil or something else, but its like the feeling like you are missing out on something.

It wasn't until my 19th year of life and after going to a legalistic very conservative Christian school where i really began to yearn for that taste of i guess " the real World" . The summer of 2005 i drank and tried weed for the first time. I even was such a typical teenager and had a party at my house when my parents went away for a weekend. Yeah i got Caught. I guess i was so sick of being GOOD. i was so sick of being labeled as "christian girl" i was so sick of people not getting me, i just wanted to blend in and say that i had the "teenage experience" and later the "college experience". Again i don't know what it was but after that summer, i decided that the things i did that summer were so ridiculous and didn't make me any cooler, or didn't make me more of an experienced person , it just left me not knowing who i was , broken and a stereotype, which i hated more than anything. Especially when my mom found out i had a party at our house and seeing the tears of complete Disappointment and betrayal in her eyes made me feel like scum. I KNOW A LOT OF YOU HAVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT DRINKING AND SOME OF YOU HAVE , AND SOME OF YOU HAVE RECENTLY TRIED WEED AND OR WANT TO, i want you to look inside yourselves and ask why you want to. We are called to be set apart from the world, God called the Israelites out of Egypt and wanted them to be set apart, not isolated but just set apart from the world. I guess it really becomes a beautiful thing being set apart. Christ is urging us to be unique, peculiar, and set-apart. Shane Claiborne says it well in his new book Jesus for president, " He called Israel to be the light of the world- to abandon the way for the world and cultivate an alternative society in the shell of the old, not merely to be better version of the kingdom of this world." I think its more than just DON'T DO DRUGS and a whole list of donts that your parents and the church tell you not to do , IT just becoming extraordinary and becoming not typical.Don't become a Stereotype of teenage waste , or high school . Be Set Apart and don't become Typical ever in life!!!!!

I knew I Wasnt Crazy!!!

2008-03-21T12:11:00.000-04:00

so this year has been really weird for me , i have struggled a lot with trying to "define myself" ( ha whatever that really means) what i guess most people my age try to do. For a short period of time ( maybe like a month) i really didn't think i was a Christian any more. I struggled with also defining Christ ( which maybe you can or maybe you cant i do not know) but i was just so sick of seeing Him the way most North American Evangelicals do. I am was so tired of skits , movies , plays, musicals, books, that had this real lame view of who Christ was. A person that is so comfortable to be around.I guess we all try and define Christ as we would like to be defined ourselves. Clean Cut, White, American, Republican. I know this will sound so weird but quite frankly i hate being white and i am not a Republican and i refuse to see a Savior that way.

I Finally finished The Irresistible Revolution living as an ordinary radical By Shane Claiborne. i don't want to give him all the earthly credit to him( after all he is just a man so i will not idolize him like so many do). A lot of what he says it straight out of the bible. But the the way he puts things and how he words it , have been my thoughts and feelings for a long time. I cant do this book justice by explaining all of it, you will just have to go read it yourself. So i guess i will just say this , It's how I feel and straight out from the book " I am more interested in who i am becoming, I want to be a lover of God and people" and that's how i can define myself and that is how i hope we all can.

Things that i am so exausted by or sick of ....

2008-02-19T19:39:00.000-05:00

I dont care to elaborate much . you can make all the judgements about what you think i mean by some of these, this is just where my mind is these days and if you care to pray for me , that would be greatly appreciated

men

Weddings

White Jesus

Money

America

Females

Buddy Christ

NKOTB BABY!!!!!! AHHHH YEAAAHHH

2008-01-26T21:25:00.000-05:00

So today my sister called me on the phone almost in hysterics!!!! New Kids on the Block is touring once again!!! what a joyous day!!!! i love it!!

2008-01-15T13:00:00.000-05:00

" I suppose what i wanted back then is what every Christian wants, whether they understand themselves or not. What i wanted was God. I wanted tangible interaction. But even more than that, to be honest, i wanted to know who i was. I felt like a robot or an insect or a mysterious blob floating around in the universe. i believed if i could contact God, He would be able to explian who and why i was.
The days and weeks before a true commitment to Jesus can be terrible and lonely. I think i was feeling bitter about the human experience. I never asked to be human. Nobody came to the womb and explained the situation to me, asking for my permission to go into the world and live and breathe and eat and feel joy and pain. I started thinking about hw odd it was to be human, how we are stuck inside this skin, forced to be attraced to the oppostite sex, forced to eat food and use the rest room and then stuck to the earth by gravity . i think maybe i was going crazy or something. i spent an entire week feeling bitter because i couldn't breathe under water. I told God i wanted to be a fish. i also felt a little biter about sleep. why do we have sleep? i wanted to be able to stay awake for as long as i wanted, but God had put me in this body that had to sleep. Life no longger seemed like an esperience of freedom."
Donald Miller
Blue Lik Jazz( pg 100-01)

Donald Miller in this book talks about the cliche Christian writer that he meets in the book store who has become a" yuppie Christian Writer with no backbone" , i thought that was who Donald Miller was. Just because it seems now everywhere i look or who i talk to people are reading his books. I hate listening , watching, reading, the same things every one else does. Its not because i strive to be unique or an individual or i dont like conformity. I just dont like when everyone jumps on the band wagon for the band wagon's sake, if that makes sense. So i was so hestitant to read Blue like Jazz... i read alittle of Through Painted Desterts and i liked it , but this passage from the book i feel is exactly how i feel this point in my life, especially the part about being attracted to the opposite sex, it just doesnt make sense how it all works. But any ways i find myself weeping a little as i read this book. I love reading the honestly, i just love his humaness.

The Conetent of your heart is between you , your Father in Heaven!

2007-12-19T23:41:00.000-05:00

Since September i just feel like God has been meeting me in just the right places and speaking to me things i need to hear just at the right time. Which is so amazing and proves his faithfulness in my life. Well tonight it happened again. Bored and wondering aimlessly in Facebook i stumbled upon a note my sweet friend Priscilla wrote back in late November and i want to share it with you.

It is ok if you are disliked, talked about, or misrepresented- your worth does not rest on the hands of fallen humans. Sometimes there will be people who do not think very highly of you and the best way to cope with this is not by trying to impress them but realizing they're just as ridiculous as you yourself are. There will be moments in life when instead of being understood everyone will misunderstand all that you say and do; but that is ok because you serve a God that is bigger than even yourself (or the idea of yourself you have!). In the midst of relational frustrations just remember that you do not have to break yourself in order to show someone you really do care about them. Do not feel anxious or pressure when you know there are people who are displeased or unsatisfied with you. It is not always your job to initiate responsibility or conversation or clarification. You are allowed to continue on in your deep love for humans, but remember you are one yourself. It is ok people pleaser, the ones that truly know you and love you are impressed with you despite your flaws. You do not owe anyone anything and there is not one person worth your anxieties or fears. If people assume you are awful because of whatever reason, it is not your job to show them otherwise. The content of your heart is between you, your Father in Heaven, and those that have earned the trust and opportunity to be a witness to it. Now people pleaser, take a deep breath...and let out all that congestion of human greed and selfishness.*cough*

To me these are things i have stuggled with my whole life. I feel like a lot of things are coming together and making sense as to why i am the way i am, and why i feel the way i feel sometimes.

The most important thing is to serve God and to have a true , deap , meaningful relationship with him. Everything else any one says or does that is against you is stupid , meaningless , jarble. Its so hard to really take this to heart. For it is so easy to say , you dont care about what other think or say about you. But doesnt every one want to be understood and not misunderstood or misrepresented. I know i dont and i always want to clarify myself and make people understand but i cant . Isnt God there all this time with his arms out stretched telling us he completly gets us , he knows exactly who we are and what we need in life. I like being understood its a good feeling.

On Becoming a Vegetarian

2007-11-27T19:51:00.000-05:00

So the words vegetarian has a negative connotation to it. Why on earth would you want to make things harder for yourself and subject yourself to ridicule from so many friends and family. Well, Every one has their own reason for being a vegetarian and choosing this life style. I am by no means all for PETA they are crazy people, I am not advocating for animals, sorry they don’t have a soul, Christ didn’t die for them , and no matter how much you love Fluffy or Rover they are not going to heaven and because Christ didn’t die for them. My brother bought me a book, Being a Vegetarian For Dummies. It’s actually quite fascinating and made me realize this has been one of the best decisions of my life.so here are some of my reasons, you might not agree with them , you may think I am nuts but its what I feel is right for me and how I want to live my life. I am not a crazo vego if you eat meat that’s awesome I don’t care. So here are some of my reasons.

~ If we as Christians are trying to strive to be the way God originally made us, then I want to try and be closer to my God that way. Before the fall of man, no animals ate one another man did not eat the animals we had everything we needed in Garden that gave us nutrients. Genesis 1:29 “and God said, behold I have given you every herb-bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed: to you it shall be meat.” Do I think not eating meat will make me closer to God no necessarily and I also am not prancing around naked either b/c that is the way we originally were meant to be. I am just saying we were never meant to eat meat and that God has put things on the earth that give us good nutrience and good sources of vitamins beside meat.

~ Reading this book has also showed me that the meat and cattle industries are one of the most corrupt in the world. Because the United Sates is the worlds #1 consumer of meat. The world is trying to keep up with us. This is why the Rain forest is depleting and so many of our fresh water sources are being polluted by animal waste. Many 3rd world countries are becoming cattle farmers b/c that brings in the most money and Americans crave and will do anything for their meat.but it’s also at a huge cost it ruins the land that could be used for agriculture to feed more people than a cow could.
-it take 25 gallons of water to grow 1 pound of wheat, but it takes about 390 gallons of water to produce 1 pound of beef.
-A steer has to eat 7 pounds of grain or soybean to produce 1 pound of beef.
This has become my motivation, because ultimately I care for people more than animals. And we have become to obsessed with meat.
I am not saying every one should become a strict vegetarian but I think we all should limit our intake of meat. If all of you are so passionate about doing life straws and really want to advocate for Africa and the DR. and indivisible children then just do a little google search and read up about this kind of stuff and understand what is making starving nations possible.

~ the last reason is health, you can and are able to get the same amount of vitams and things from things other than meat. I have noticed a difference already and I have already lost 5 pounds.

So that is that. I don’t hate on people that eat meat I hope people don’t hate on me for doing this!

This is just a fun fact about some famous people in history who were and are vegetarian

Hank Aaron

David Bowie

Susan B. Anthony

Thomas Edison

Albert Einstein

Jerry Garcia

Dustin Hoffman

Desmond Howard

Steve Job

Sir Isaac Newton

Flato

Fred Rodgers

2007-11-12T12:23:00.000-05:00

Last week I watched the whole series of Band of Brothers. For those of you who don’t know it was a mini series on HBO about the WWII but it was a book also. The first time I saw Band of brothers I was a junior in high school we watched it in American History Class. At that point after watching it then I just thought wow this was a really excellent movie / mini series and it left me feeling more appreciative for the men that have served in this country for us and our freedoms. Now I understand maybe the rhetoric of this film might have been slanted, I don’t know I am not an expert on rhetoric and I don’t really understand it but it was powerful to me.
But this time around when I watched it, it left a different impression on my heart. Band of Brothers is the title of it and that is what I kept thinking about was the true brotherhood the soldiers had. Now granted I have never been a brother, I am not a brother now, and I am pretty sure that I will never be a brother but i still understand the connection that comes with that. When my grandmother past away we went to her house to get some of her things and in her closet we found a whole bunch of my uncle’s things from the Vietnam War.( just some quick background, my uncle died in 2001 of collon cancer mot likly the effect of agent oranged used in Vietnam.)There were some poems or jounel entries he had written about the war that were so raw and real, pictures he has taken while he was there( which i want to post but we dont have a working scanner at my house). So I guess lately I have been thinking about war a lot and how it changes a man and woman. Now, the huge difference between WWII and the Vietnam War was the reaction people gave to the men when they came home. It was an endless party and woman lined the streets to kiss the men that came home from WWII but when my Uncle and so many other came home From Nam they were called Baby killers and people probably spit on them and showed them no love. So here is what my Uncle wrote I don’t know how long ago he wrote this.

What can I saw, or Enough Said?

We who have lived through the battlefields of combat know that words are cheap in this bubble of a world and that love is used cheaply by most in this plane of life.
We who have lived through the combat zone we know that love is red and talk is only the cutting edge of the blade.
Oh fore love when the talk is over and the blade is stuck deep in your hear and soul that love shows its true face.
The buddy that you swore you would never get close to in all your life, but you did and he died worse than a Dog that that love is there. He would never want you to cry so you don’t for fifteen years but the pain is still there with you.
So you go to the wall, still loving him and you know that he wants you to be a warrior and not to cry for him but love makes us all break down in and out of war.
Love shows its true face for the blade we love, it is embedded deep in your heart and soul, who has seen the house of comfort.
Thomas A. Claypool RIP

Some of that may not make sense it was hard to read his writing and some of it was babbling b/c I believe he was really emotionally and psychologically affected by the war. But I think it’s so powerful. If my uncle was alive to see Band of Brothers I wonder what he would say? He was a Christian and I wonder he would agree that brother hood this deep is a parallel to Christian brotherhood and sisterhood (since I am a woman I have to be PC). I feel like I have had these strong connections of sister and brotherhood in my life. Where you completely love someone and you feel like you are in the Foxholes of life with them and sometimes you watch them get blown up by the grenades of sin, and what do you do but weep for them. I think we are in a battle every day to live here on earth and its not easy and it makes me want to help out and be kind and gentile to whoever I can b/c the real enemy isn’t one another. So yesterday was Veterans day and i always think of my Uncle on this day but i also think what would we do without the people that serve us in the military? I dont care if you are democrate repluplican facist communist hippie whatever, we have needed , we need them now , and we will always need the men and woman to serve this country in the military.

To Love or not to love ?

2007-11-01T14:21:00.000-04:00

Some intresting events have conspired within the past few days. i am not sure if God is openeing a door or if i am just being rediculous. The cynics in my life would say i am being rediculous, but for the people that really know me would say other wise. If this is God opening a door its going to be hard to let go and just to be able to give myself completly and love again. Life is so crazy and fun and messy and delicious and suprising and i am glad to be at the point i am in my life right now. i am going back to MLUPC as a Leader, i am pretty excited about that and i think its going to be amazing this year. After this year who knows mybe thius times next yea i 'll be living in a different country maybe i 'll still be here but i a not sweating it. God has plans for me to prosper and thats amazing. Dios Te Benadiga Estoy En el amor he sido durante cinco años.

You are Never Really Ready To Say Goodbye to the Ones You Love

2007-10-23T23:49:00.000-04:00

This is picture of Sarah A. Hartman ( Claypool) at Christiams i think 2 years ago. She was my grandma and she past away a little over a week ago.

Almost a month ago i ran away from home to go live with a friend in Philadelphia. After a month of living there i rushed home in my 94' Ford Tempo not knowing if mty car woudl make it or if i would make it in time to so say good bye to the woman who was my only granparents. I thank God so much for that beautiful oportunity to say goodbye. Not a lot of people would look at it that way but i made it home at around 7 30 that day and held my grandma's warm wrinkled hand and told her how much i loved her and that i was so thankful for everything she has done in my life. I stayed only about 2 hours wiched seemed like 20 because i couldnt watch her go. BUt i sat in her room i just thought about everything, God, life, my family, but mostly i thought about i stupid and childish i was for being so upset with God a month ago. I yelled at him i didnt trust him and as i sat watching my Grandma struggle with everything breath i thought, i need to trust God. This life , this body we have is so week and not meant to last. I have to trust God that he will give ups a better body and a better life with him. I never thought loosing my grandma would be so hard but it is because here is this person in your life that loves you so much and all the sudden they are no longer here. I know her love will always be with me but now its different. What do you do when that love is not here, how do you function. This is so weird to me because i always thought that loosing a grandparent was no big deal, they are old its a part of life and its just there time but i dont feel like that any more. The love of a grandparent is such a specail and amazing love that nothing on this earth and emulate and i can see that now with the way my parents act with my nephew and the way my grandma loved and care for me and my brother and sister. so thats all i really have to say about that, much love and blessing to you all now and forever.

Lost Lonly Scared Broken Tired Alone

2007-09-20T08:21:00.000-04:00

It is time to be honest. I am not even sure who reads my blog any more but for those of you who do I want to share with you what has been going on in my life this past week. I didn’t Go to Mexico, the day before I left some funding I was pretty sure I was going to get fell through. THE DAY BEFORE I LEFT!! I was packed all ready to go. I screamed and yelled to my God “ I DON’T TUST YOU” ! I was so angry I was so hurt and I had just yelled at the one person that has always been there for me and seen me at my worst but still loved me just the way I am. So the next day I got in my car and drove to Philly to seek retreat although certain members of my family thought I ran away this wasn’t the case at all. So that’s where I am and that’s where I have been. I do know that God has the perfect plan for my life I am not an idiot and I wish people would stop telling me that but knowing that still doesn’t take away what I am feeling right now.. Right now those reasons for why this happened are not clear to me and maybe they never will be but now I have to pick myself up stop being mad at my God and figure out what I am suppose to do in my life. Also I have been so concerned with what people think and how can I face people when I return home. I feel so humiliated and lost. Last year when this happened I totally knew why. I was supposed to be at home to do youth group and then I got to go to Vietnam but this year I don’t feel that way. Things are weird there. I am not sure if I will be wanted or appreciated. But last night I kind of just broke down and told God I was sorry and listened to one of my favorite worship cd’s called enter the worship circle. I read Ephesians and God met me there and then I watched my friend’s nooma videos. Things are still up in the air but its kind of a nice feeling that I can start over any where that God has given me this clean slate. But I do know my sister and I are planning a trip to Arizona in thanksgiving and we are going to take French classes together! So these are things that I am looking forward to. So if you see me when I come home soon please don’t tell me you are sorry this happened to me or that God has a plan b/c I don’t want pity and I already know that. Maybe just give me a hug and say everything is going to be ok. Dios Te Benadiga! Viva la Nicaragua

Healing

2007-08-13T00:58:00.000-04:00

i want to share some thoughts that i wrote down on the way home from Surf City.

People are really broken. Why cant we understand that no one is perfect and every one makes mistakes. Every one gets hurt and every one hurts other people. So why do we let it get to us?
I really wish i was more forgiving and understanding and didnt let all the petty things get to me the way they do. i always get caught up in people's frustrations and opinions they have of other people and make them my own. i just feel in ministry and in the church shoudlnt we be biulding one aother up. The world and people and sin crushes us down time and time again, woudlnt it be nice if we had a place where we felt safe? where when our cup is empty it could be easily filled with loving words and encouragement from other people.
In ministry and in the church why is there so much hurt and cutting people down and apart?. My goal and prayer is to not be like that at all. i want to be someone who builds people up and doesnt cut them down for their humaness.
The ministry that i have in my life needs a lot of prayer and healing and that can only come from our heavenly father. The "he said , she said" stuff needs to stop and we all need to be unified together and just love on one another and be honest about who has hurt us and why? This is my prayer. Dios te benadiga!

Feeding the Homeless

2007-07-30T23:16:00.000-04:00

I just came back from another trip out to Philly. I really feel like i did a lot while was there. Was in a wedding , went to a wedding reception, saw Hair Spray, went to Barnes and Noble and read the last chapter of Harry Potter, went tubing town the Delaware River, and went to Love Park in Philly and passes out clothes and food to the homeless and that odly to me was the most profound and amazing experience i had when i was there.

I think i have always just have maybe been ignorant or bias towards the homeless its probably b/c i have never really be exposed to that culture or way of life. Only a little bit when i was in High school i would to a soup kitchen every once and a while. But the group i want with in Philly was amazing. They know a lot of people by name and have relationships with them. it just really made me think a lot about how our country views poor people and homeless people especially in the cities.

I just fell in love and cant really explain why. I fell hard for "the least of these" and i wanted to become them. There are always coruption within every kind of people group and culture and you cant excape that , that's humanity , thats sin. But just the amount of genuine community every one had with each other was beautiful and how i just really feel.

Also i just feel like there is so much right in front of our eyes that we could be doing and no one is doing anything. The Catholic church is doing something right with helping " the least of these" with all the good works that do and many would say their works are useless with out faith but they are doing soemthing that is good and honoring to God. When are we going to get up out of presberian and methodist pews and show action in our fatih to show Christ love . After all wasnt Christ homeless.

Trying something New

2007-06-26T19:54:00.001-04:00

I need to start fresh with a lot of things in my life. Maybe some of you have noticed but i have deleted my old blog and i am starting fresh with a new one. I need to redefine i think my purpose in a lot of areas in my life such as who am i as a daughter of God, who am i as a sister in the body? Who am i as an earthy daughter and sister, who am i as a friend, who am i as a youth leader? Since really the only people that read my blog are mostly you MLUPCer Youths i really want to dedicate this to you guys. And really take a lot of the focus off of me and be quicl to listen or read rather and slow to speak. We all have been through a lot i feel like this year i feel like you all have challenged me and i hope that i was there for you even if its in the smallest measurement.

Right now i have just been really excited about the Word and have been reading James with the some other people and God has just met me exactly where i am in reading this. I love the one verse that talks about how we should be quick to listen and slow to speak . Thats really hard. thats really really hard. And i think maybe i have negleted to do that as a youth leader and for that i feel sick and ill and i am sorry. I dont need self gratification from any one thats not what this is about if i have made some small difference great , Praise to God, If not then even better i have only begun. I think all you need to know is that i am here and i care and i love.

Anger

2007-06-19T11:13:00.000-04:00

Why does anger make us feel so alive, but it also destroys us at the same time. Its a raw emotion that lets us feel things, its makes us very unrash and only look towards our feelings. I hate anger but i like the way some times it makes me feel. maybe its the same feeling as smoking a great excape from reality but it is killing you at the same time. Anger, no thanks